In my field of early childhood mental health, there’s a concept we often use called “being with.” It’s the idea that caregivers don’t need to try to change or fix a child’s emotional experience, but rather remain alongside them while they feel their big feelings. When we focus on “being with” children instead of (or before) explaining what they did wrong or how they should behave next time, we express to them that no matter what, their feelings are valid and worthy of being met.
“Being with” means that we allow children first to connect, and then to hear about a limit or boundary. Connection is, after all, needed for any kind of learning. In my work, I help to strengthen the relationships between early childhood caregivers (preschool teachers and parents, mostly) and children, supporting the caregivers in building the children’s social-emotional capacity — which often means helping them build their own.
It’s not the easiest to “be with” a screaming child who’s throwing a tantrum after not getting their way. It’s not easy to stay calm, take deep breaths, speak slowly and softly, and validate feelings when a three-year-old is throwing themselves on the floor and refusing to get up. But when we can build up our own emotion regulation, we learn that managing our own calm in those stressful situations is necessary for a child to be able to do the same.
What does this have to do with anything, you might be asking?
Something that feels so poignant to me about working in children’s mental health is that almost every single concept can be applied to ourselves, our own inner children. In some strange way, working with caregivers and children heals a part of me. In this new straight-out-of-grad-school program, so many of our approaches sing to my heart. And “being with” is one approach that speaks to me so strongly — because I understand how necessary it is to be able to give myself.
Try having your heart broken, and sitting with your feelings. Try being so angry that your brain is going haywire, and sitting with those feelings. Try feeling so sad that you just want to give up on everything, and just sitting with your feelings. It’s hard.
Instead of shutting down or numbing out or distracting ourselves, we can practice “being with” ourselves. Taking deep breaths, speaking slowly and softly to ourselves, validating our own feelings. Naming what we’re feeling, telling ourselves what we notice, telling ourselves it’s okay to feel those things. Before jumping to fixing or persuading or invalidating, what if we could just “be with”?
I was recently watching Jolie Steele’s Instagram stories (@yourknowing) and she spoke about how she doesn’t know a single adult who doesn’t have some kind of grief or loss that impacts their holiday season. And how some parts of adulthood are just permanently difficult, no way around it.
No matter how much I love the holidays, they always ends up feeling harder than I anticipate, for a myriad of reasons. And this year was no different. I’ve spent far longer than I thought I would in this past week going back to practicing “being with” myself. There’s no immediate solution, no quick fix, no band-aid for my feelings. I just have to . . . feel them. Practice what I preach and care for myself like I might a tiny human. Take deep breaths, speak to myself slowly and softly, validate my feelings.
It’s not easy. It’s very hard. Sometimes it feels harder than sitting with a three-year-old who’s throwing a tantrum.
And yet, what growth.
I love this so much! I firmly believe a big part of what people consider hard about parenting is that it constantly requires you to confront your own emotions, and most people simply don’t know how to be with themselves. But being with your own emotions teaches kids how to be with theirs, and it’s beautiful to imagine a generation of people who can feel and process their feelings without fear 🥹
This was a much needed read this morning. Thank you Ruth! You wove together a lot of threads I’ve been thinking about lately (grieving, parenting, tantrums.) I actually read a book last night to my daughter called “The Rabbit Listened” that is all about this concept - have you read it? The educators and parents you work with are so lucky to have you!