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I work with a lot of kids.
And kids have a lot of feelings.
In my work, I get called when the grownups don’t know how to handle the kids who have all the feelings.
And you know what I notice is the case, about 95% of the time?
Grownups are just really uncomfortable with feelings.
Kids, of course, have feelings about way different stuff than we do. Instead of anxiety about finances or frustration with work things or overwhelm around complex interpersonal dynamics, kids get sad when they don’t get picked to be line leader or when they miss their mom. They get mad when someone tells them what to do. They scream and cry when someone is too close to them or they wanted to do the thing first or you didn’t turn the pages of the book fast enough.
And you know what I hear from the grownups, 95% of the time?
“You just got to be line leader yesterday.”
”Mommy is at work, she’ll pick you up later.”
“Just ignore them, you’re okay.”
“You can do it next time, don’t worry about it.”
“We can’t always get everything we want.”
“Calm down, it will be fine.”
And I understand this. I understand that feelings can be uncomfortable, especially for people who aren’t comfortable with their own feelings inside themselves. We don’t want to see others live in that discomfort. We’re quick to want to make it better, to explain why you don’t need to feel that, to explain what to feel instead, to convince you out of your feelings.
In the case of these grownups, they see a tiny human in front of them expressing a “negative” emotion and it becomes too much for the grownups to bear — they should know better, they should fix it, they should make more sense, they should just forget it and feel something else.
But what if we could all just feel our feelings? What if we were allowed to have the feeling we’re experiencing inside of our bodies?
It’s really rare that I hear a grownup actually validate the feeling the child is expressing, and make space for them to feel seen and heard.
“I know how much you like to be line leader, that must be disappointing.”
“I know you miss mommy, it’s so hard to be at school when we miss mommy.”
“I can tell you’re feeling really mad right now.”
“You need some space, I understand that.”
“I know you like to be first, it’s so hard to take turns sometimes.”
“You seem really upset, isn’t it tricky when things don’t go our way?”
(Of course, all of these validating statements would likely be followed by setting a limit, but that’s another topic for another day.)
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as I’ve been going through a hard time and feelings lots of big feelings. My first inclination is to get rid of them.
Distract. Numb. Talk myself out of it. Be hard on myself for feeling it in the first place. Anything to stop feeling it.
Instead of just letting myself feel sad, I’m opening Instagram to endlessly scroll stories or I’m judging myself for feeling so deeply or I’m telling myself I can’t possibly feel this any longer. And then I think about those kids and the 95% of grownups who don’t let them have their feelings. And I realize I’m doing the same exact thing, to myself.
But I have a right to my feelings. My feelings have a right to be felt. Feelings, if we let them, can flow through us fluidly — even if we might want to scream and cry and say things that don’t make sense. Even when we don’t feel validated. Even when letting them flow feels like it will surely kill us. (It won’t.)
This is how we process. This is the price we pay for being human, for having a heart, for opening up. This is how we know we are, indeed, alive.
My latest song obsession, bringing me some solace these days.
Absolutely gorgeous and true.