Two weeks ago I did it: I got bangs. I went back to my old hairstylist in Providence, the same one who first gave me bangs a decade ago. I told her I was ready for bangs again and she smiled, knowing exactly what to do. It took me a little time to get used to them again, and I’m still getting used to how prominent my gray hair now feels. But I love them still — they feel like me.
I keep thinking about the letter I sent a few weeks ago, looking back at my 2014 self and wanting to bring her back in some way. It’s funny how adulthood works — when I was young, I tended to think that overcoming challenges in life meant that you passed some kind of level and moved on to the next one, like some kind of cosmic video game. After fourteen years of therapy I now know this isn’t how it works — just because we learn a lesson once doesn’t mean we never need to learn it again. The same hurdles or challenges might come up over and over, even if we think we have it all figured out.
In some ways, this feels comforting to me. Recurring challenges — daily anxiety, negative thoughts, being unkind to ourselves — can feel familiar, almost like old friends always by our side. They can become our particular constellation of habits that always need our care and connection, no matter how many times they come up.
For me, my nervous system tends toward the depressive side of things. The circuits in my brain are well-worn paths that always want to re-focus on negativity, judgment, hopelessness. It’s like wagon wheels that keep slipping back into a rut, a path of least resistance. It takes me quite a bit of effort to monitor my thoughts and pull my wagon back onto safer ground, where there’s connection and kindness.
I’ve quite literally been in therapy for fourteen years, straight. After a string of not-so-great therapists throughout college, I found a therapist in 2010 who resonated with me and who has been an incredible match for me. I remember way back when I started working with her, one of the first things we made some space around was just . . . softening. As in: the slightest energetic shift that leads me away from judgment and anxiety and being unkind to myself, and closer to a deep breath and letting go a little bit. I remember this feeling revolutionary when I first embodied it, like I was defying everything I’d ever learned from my family of origin. It felt bold, brave, big.
I literally just talked about this with her a couple of weeks ago, this very same idea that we first talked about 14 years ago. Tightening and gripping and locking down are very familiar to me, those old friends always by my side. I’ve been practicing softening in moments of distress or frustration lately . . . just noticing, observing, shifting ever so slightly.
One thing that’s really been helping me? Brain training. Bear with me — I know how that sounds. But I discovered this person on Instagram who is a “brain training specialist” and focuses on simple practices to rewire your brain and like your life. (Her podcast is literally called “How to Like Your Life,” which I think is genius.) I’ve been using some of her habits and it’s like I can feel the wagon wheels of my brain being pulled out of the ruts in the road. (Is this analogy still making sense?)
One is so simple — in the morning, you name two things you’re looking forward to, and in the evening, you name three things that went well. And you really try to notice these throughout the day, paying attention to how you feel and really reveling in those sensations. Impossibly simple? Yes. But powerful? Also yes. (Another one I’ve been loving is throwing your arms up, smiling, and saying, “Yes!” when you get out of bed in the morning, which feels quite silly but is also surprisingly effective.)
I think my 2014 self would have liked these. I think my 2014 self would also be shocked that we’re still working on the same challenges that we were 10 years ago, but here we are. Never leveling up, necessarily. Never achieving some new ranking and moving on up to better problems. But rather, just being in the now. Letting go of expectations and embracing where we are.
Softening into what is.
Some exciting news!
I’ve slowly been taking on some hand lettering work again, and I’m happy to share that my new-and-improved website is live!
I’ve also been posting somewhat-regularly on my business Instagram and Facebook accounts again, which feels really fun.
Come join us at Ruth Clark Creative, if you’d like to take a look! And be in touch if I can help with any hand lettering or calligraphy needs :)